THE WEDDING

"ASZALOS FERENCZ es neje GIZELLA, RIGMANYI ARPAD es neje TEREZIA, szeretettel meghivjuk gyermekeink, FERIKE es ERIKA. 1998, december 5-en 17 orai kezdettel, a nyaradszeredai romai katolikus templomban tartando eskuvojere es az ezt koveto unnepi vacsorara, amely az EXIM S.R.L.-ben (JOSKA-BAR) lesz felszolgalva. Nasznagyok: ifi. KALMAN ARPAD es neje EVA, KOVACS SANDOR es neje IREN. Szeretettel varjuk!"

The handsomely printed invitation was hand-delivered by the engaged couple as is the custom. Ferike (groom) and Erika (bride) as well as Ferike's father and mother and brother had worked on the finishing construction of our house for the past year. We became good friends.

This would be our first formal wedding - (thank goodness something happy after so many funerals). We had also attended the engagement announcement party last summer - along with about 25 relatives and a few close friends. We have been treated to one typical small town Transylvanian Hungarian middle-class family's start-to-finish marriage customs and activities.

Although the wedding announcement indicated the festivities began at 17 orai (5 pm) in the church, we were asked to come to the groom's house at 3 pm.

Ferike's parents and God-parents [God-parents play a very important role] and his brother and his brother's girlfriend and another 4 or 5 people helped with last minute preparations combined with a few traditional speeches about losing a son and gaining a daughter-in-law. The Godfather told a poem in which Ferike says goodbye to his father, mother, brother and friends; thanks them for their care and wishes them all the best. Two musicians on accordion and saxophone provided musical accompaniment which was often an excuse for everyone breaking into song. Cookies and cakes, wine and palinka were offered in abundance. "ACT I" completed by 4pm, we all drove to Erika's house about ten doors down the street.

"ACT II" - The locked gate is opened after a formal request is offered and acknowledged. Joining Erika's parents, God-parents and other family members, we now number about 25 in one small room, including the two musicians, playing appropriate accompaniment to the traditional speeches. A poem similar to the one we heard at Ferike's house is recited by Erika's God-father who also poses some questions to Ferike. "Who was the first person to touch Erika?" - The obstetrician. "What kind of soup will Erika make first?" - Hot soup. Finally, the bride is called forth from an adjoining room - enter an old hag dressed in poor clothes and shrouded in a straw hat. Next a little girl comes out, pretending to be the bride. (I believe this to be a tradition from the time of "arranged marriages".) Finally, Erika appears in a beautiful white satin gown and white veil - looking much like the traditional "American" bride. More songs, cookies, cake, wine and palinka! We all load into cars and proceed to the church. However, the road is blocked with a rope held by children from the orphanage (where Ferike works). They won't let us pass until Ferike answers some questions - "When does the bride make (the sign of) a cross?" Answer not correctly given - correct = When she steps across the doorstep. "What is the most thing that's in the market?" answer given, fleas - correct answer = air. Since incorrect answers were given, Erika is required to get out of the car and kiss the boys holding the rope, the musicians play some more and all the formalities are completed..

"ACT III" - We continue our slow drive to the church with many onlookers peering over their gates to ascertain the occasion of continuous horn-honking from cars traveling at about 5 mph. Arriving, the rain changes to snow, and we enter the unheated church with about 100 -120 other guests. The ceremony is similar to American Catholic weddings. The hour service includes Mass, communion and a double ring ceremony. The bride and groom kiss, and we are told to "Go in Peace".

"ACT IV" - We are invited to walk across the village square with the wedding party to the photographer's shop. "Studio" shots are made with every possible combination of members of the party, including us. An hour later, we walked two blocks in the dark trying to avoid stepping in puddles and snowy mush, (accompanied by the musicians who had been waiting outside) to one of the local restaurant/bars which has a large room just for such occasions.

"ACT V" - Now 7 pm, the party is already in progress with four amplified musicians - synthesizer, drums, saxophone, and electric guitar, a wood dance floor and five long banquet tables set to tightly accommodate the 200 guests. Each place is set with a service plate, appetizer plate (meatballs, cheese, pork sausages, peppers, & roast beef), two glasses, napkin and flatware. (All china, flatware and glassware are fairly new and matched - no chips or cracks - we are impressed.) Along the tables are plates of bread, salt & pepper dishes, bottles of wine, mineral water, a sweetened palinka (for the women) and regular 180-proof palinka (a homemade plum brandy) for the men. We are seated opposite the bride and groom at the head table. Erika's God-father is kept busy keeping her veil from getting in the food as she and Ferike lean across the table to greet and kiss late-arriving guests. An employee of the bar/restaurant hammers a nail into the wall behind Erika and hangs her wedding bouquet, providing a little more space on the crowded table.

The band plays on with occasional vocals from one or more of the musicians. The music ranges from traditional folk songs, modern songs (many American), classical melodies of Lizst, Brahms, and Bartok, and what we would call American oldies-but-goodies - from the turn of the century, 20's, 30's, 40's, rock-n-roll, Elvis, Beatles, Rolling Stones, disco and newer groups I've never learned to identify. The variety is amazing! New bottles of wine, palinka and mineral water keep coming. The dance floor is often crowded with 50+ couples dancing waltzes, fox-trots, swing, rock-n-roll, twist (Let's Do the Twist), and folk dances including czardas, line dances, and circle dances. Half a dozen young men dance together, each trying to outdo the other with their stamina and intricate steps. Hardly a song goes by without many guests joining in. Even when the band takes a few breaks, the room is filled with mens' choral singing - often two separate groups simultaneously rendering different songs. Everyone participates with song and/or dance at some point - 8 to 98 years old. The dancing is some of the most accomplished we've ever seen - in every style - by all ages! No one stays seated for long. We ask Erika & Ferike if they know of the custom of tapping silverware on glasses to signal the bride & groom to stand and kiss. They like the idea and ask the Master of Ceremonies to explain it as an American custom they would like to introduce. Over the evening it becomes increasingly popular with the crowd, and the bride & groom probably wish we had never mentioned it. (If it becomes a tradition in Transylvania, we will believe we probably started it that evening.) At 8 pm large tureens of soup are placed in front of every four people along with more bread, of course.

"ACT VI" - About 9 pm a delicious dinner is served. A large bowl of salad (pickled vegetables) for every two people, more bread, individual plates with two breaded pork cutlets, a chicken drumstick, a large slice of beef, two scoops of mashed potatoes, and a scoop of rice. By 11 pm the main course is completed and coffee is served. Dancing and singing continue throughout the meal. Erika's shoe is stolen while she is on the dance floor and can only be retrieved by her God-father and Ferike's God-father after they each down a large glass of wine that is cradled inside the slipper.

"ACT VII" - The Master-of-Ceremonies makes some announcements, tells a number of jokes including one about "the priest who...", and brings down the house. The following three jokes were translated later by Erika and written here as received.

"Pistike's mother tells her son to go to the Catholic church, give some bean soup to the priest and tell him to pray for rain. So Pistike goes to the church and tells the priest what his mother said. Priest, "Is there any meat in this soup?" Pistike, "No, there isn't." Priest, "In this case tell your mother that there won't be any rain. There will only be wind!" ......

There is a meeting for the human organs. The mouth stands up and says, "I want to retire. I have said many beautiful things in my life. I want to retire." O.K. - Next, the ear stands up. "I have heard many beautiful things in my life. I'm too tired, I want to retire." O.K. - Somebody says, "I want to retire! I want to retire too!" Who is that? Please stand up! "If I could stand up, I wouldn't retire!" ......

The husband comes home drunk almost every day. One day he thinks he has to make peace with his wife. So he goes into the house, in the bedroom, jumps in bed with his wife and makes his homework. When they finish, the husband goes to the bathroom; his wife is washing. He runs back to the bedroom and his mother-in-law is there. He says, "Why didn't you say anything?" She replies, "We don't talk for ten years. Why should we talk now?"

It is now time to collect the gifts - Erika's God-father is accompanied by the Master-of-Ceremonies, a list maker/record-keeper, and several assistants as he circles the tables collecting envelopes containing cash and making jokes as he goes. Each family is announced along with the sum given. The gifts range from 100,000 to 2 million lei per family with the average being about 300,000 lei ($30). The money is counted and deposited in a large purple plastic bucket. [Only 5-6 people have brought wrapped gifts - I don't know if that was in addition to a cash gift, probably not.] Dancing begins in earnest now - the dancers are overflowing into the aisles between the tables. Jackets are removed, ties loosened, a line is forming for the WC. At about midnight, two couples make their apologies and depart - for another wedding! Erika & Ferike proceed to the dance floor for their waltz - after which anyone, male and female, may pay (1,000 to 100,000 lei) to dance with the bride. Having paid Erika's God-father and requesting a waltz, fox-trot or csardas, each dances for 16-32 bars of music. A few men and women have also paid to dance with Ferike! One hour later the money is counted - one million lei! Erika dances with over 50 "paid partners". Regular dancing continues. An American square dance tune prompts do-si-dos, allemandes left and right, culminating in couples sashaying under a bridge of arms.

"ACT VIII" - At about 3 am we are invited to join the bride and groom and their families to depart to the groom's house where the money is counted and a list of each donor/sum is recorded. Erika changes into an evening gown, and we all return to the party which is still going strong - no one has left. Two high school aged girls dressed in traditional Hungarian red and black vests and skirts, who have been helping in various ways including being in several formal pictures, change into "regular" party outfits, too. They and two younger girls were the only ones in traditional clothing. All others were in modern dress.

"ACT IX" - 4 am and the tables have been cleared - and reset! Individual plates with 2 pork cutlets and potato salad is served with bread, more wine, palinka and mineral water. Dancing continues unabated - solos, couples, trios, two couples together, circles sometimes form either of mixed couples or men only - often with one person in the center, doing their specialty. At one point a conga line forms and about 150 of the guests join in, circulating the entire room, outside the front door and back inside the back door. None of these "specialty" dances is announced or directed - they occur spontaneously!

"ACT X" - 4:30am and the wedding cake is brought in - along with individual plates of cookies & cakes, one plate per couple, piled high and covered in plastic wrap. More dancing and singing - and the cake is then cut and distributed. We are exhausted and prepare to leave but before we can, Erika and her brother have gone to the stage where she sings and he accompanies on the keyboard. After another half an hour, we realize that they may continue indefinitely and we are about to collapse. We pay our regards to the parents and God-parents and depart at 5am. We arrive home at 5:30am, having missed...

"ACT XI - ?" The end - a wedding in 10+ acts over 18+ hours. We will never forget it!!! Ferike's brother is to be married sometime next year.................................................

Interesting facts: Total cash gifts plus dancing with the bride - 30,000,000 lei ($3,000). Total cost of the food $800. The bride's wedding dress was rented. Average individual monthly salary in a village of this size - $100. Time the wedding ended - according to the bride - between 9 and 10 am! Number of guests that attended Sunday church that morning - probably none, excepting the Unitarian Minister from Szentmartin.

Notes from Carolyn: We sang songs we didn't know words to, danced with people we hadn't met before, ate and drank until we had no more room. What a happy occasion! It was the first wedding we'd attended wearing long underwear under our best clothes. Only one visibly drunk man during the whole event even with all the alcohol consumption. We talked with Erika and Ferike during the next week and told them it was the best wedding reception we'd ever been to, and they said everyone was telling them the same thing. I remember my mother running around madly orchestrating everything at my wedding, but the mother and father of the bride and groom here seemed free to do as they wanted: greeting friends, dancing, having a good time.

Their work for the wedding day was complete. The God-parents had the responsibilities to direct the festivities beginning with speeches at the houses and continuing on into the next day. There had been a lot of work leading up to the actual wedding day.

The wedding had been delayed for about two months because the rooms Erika and Ferike were going to move into weren't ready until the end of September. First-born sons, as in this case, bring their wives to live in the family home, but in separate space. Ferike's parents completely redid the house and made it into two living spaces. They have the kitchen, living room and one bedroom near the back of the house. The new apartment was created in the two rooms in the front of the house. Two separate living areas, kitchens, bathrooms, but a shared outhouse in back (Only the very rich have indoor toilets even in this town of about 6,000.).

The wedding was also delayed until there was enough money to pay for it including a fat enough pig to provide meat for everyone. The restaurant catered the meal, but the palinka, wine, cakes and probably other foods were brought in by Erika's family. We understand that all the neighbors usually bake cakes (the layered ones that are cut into 1" x 3" pieces) for the week before a wedding and take them to the bride's house for cutting and putting assortments on plates that are set on the reception tables. Money for the wedding and reception was spent on essential items: Clothes, food, music. We didn't need decorations and flowers in the church or restaurant, guest books, limousines, and such like to have one super time.

Weddings here are not spectator sports. We were actively involved.